A guy I work with asked me out on a date last week. He's been working up to it for a couple weeks. You know how it is...the faltering attempts to hint around, to test the waters, to stir up any kind of encouragement. The thing is, they're never so subtle as they think, those guys. And, unfortunately, complete lack of encouragement doesn't faze them, anyway. He still asked.
I don't want you to think I didn't let him down gently. Of course I told him that I don't date people I work with. This is not a lie. So far I've avoided that mistake, and I don't plan to start making stupid mistakes until I reach the point of dating desperation.
The obvious problem is that, no matter how true an excuse it is, everyone knows that, the "no dating people at work rule" only applies to unattractive people. If you like-like someone enough, you'll bend the rule in a heartbeat. Happens every time. So saying "I don't date people at work" is, in essence, equal to "I find you so repellant it overcomes my basic laziness in regards to hook-ups. I'd rather endure awkward conversations with near strangers, despite the high chance of them having weird proclivites."
Inspired by the awkwardness of this event, and a few other recent ones, I thought I'd make a quick list for any straight guys who might happen across my blog. Or you know what? Don't wait. If you know any straight guys, maybe you should print this list out and give it to them. It wouldn't hurt to distribute it widely. Consider this my humanitarian gesture for the week.
Pre-Dating Tips for Menz
1. Just go ahead and ask. Your hints aren't subtle. So stop it. And saying "You'd never go out with me" is a real turn-off, and likely to be true.
2. "I'm always looking for a beautiful woman to take out to dinner" is not cool. You don't sound like a player; you sound insecure. Because you are.
3. If you run into a cute girl at Driver Control and want to ask her out, it's probably best not to tell her you were arrested for DWI. Mentioning that you're in grad school will probably not change her opinion that you're an idiot, either.
4. If you believe "My psychiatrist thinks I'm ready to start dating again" is an acceptable opening line, your psychiatrist is wrong. Learn a few basic social skills first.
5. Horny old men: You are not funny or even remotely appealing. You're creepy. And keep your hands to yourself.
6. Button your shirt. Like, above the navel. Preferably higher. Like, over your face.
7. Tight jeans: not appealing. Especially when they make you walk funny.
8. Two words: Breath mints. Seriously. They're cheap. Go buy some.
9. Don't get yout ex-wife to ask a woman out on your behalf. That's wrong on so many levels. Really, if you need this tip, you should just give up dating entirely. Forever. In fact, you might need to just lock yourself in your house and confine your social interaction to the internet. Practice typing "The movie is far inferior to teh comic!!!" And don't forget the emoticons.
I was going to post ten tips, but you know what? Those nine should be enough for now.
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