Stuff That Deserves Valentines (But Probably Won't Get Them)

I'm kind of looking forward to being single this Valentine's Day.

I hope I'm not alone in this. Oh, sure, it means you're not expecting deliveries of balloons, stuffed animals, and roses. But think about this really lovely part: the people at the supermarket have no idea that that giant box of chocolate you're buying isn't for your sweetie but for yourself. And you don't have to share. You can buy the really expensive kind, too, thus completing two goals simultaneously: looking really generous and avoiding inferior candy.

When you're part of a couple, it requires great effort to avoid inferior candy. But not this year!

Another nice thing about being single is that there is no "buy something tacky for someone because it's expected" commercialism to deal with. I mean, that's what Christmas is for. Instead, I propose using this holiday as an opportunity to show love to those (both animate and in-) who are truly deserving of affection.

For example:

Your dog. Your dog loves you. Buy him a treat. Or better yet, scoop up some of that roadkill and let him roll around in it. Come on. You would if you really loved him.

Your laptop. All those hours of entertainment and/or wasted time. About time you got out that can of air and actually used it, right?

Your TV. Ditto.

Your refrigerator. It's the coolest appliance you have and you know it. It holds yummy stuff and serves as an impromptu art gallery. I suggest you show your appreciation with awesome magnets. Or just, you know, a hug.

Your mom. Okay, so she either criticizes you for being single, or criticizes you for dating the wrong kinds of men. But she is your mom. She deserves something. Buy her the cheap chocolate.