Stuff That Deserves Valentines (But Probably Won't Get Them)

I'm kind of looking forward to being single this Valentine's Day.

I hope I'm not alone in this. Oh, sure, it means you're not expecting deliveries of balloons, stuffed animals, and roses. But think about this really lovely part: the people at the supermarket have no idea that that giant box of chocolate you're buying isn't for your sweetie but for yourself. And you don't have to share. You can buy the really expensive kind, too, thus completing two goals simultaneously: looking really generous and avoiding inferior candy.

When you're part of a couple, it requires great effort to avoid inferior candy. But not this year!

Another nice thing about being single is that there is no "buy something tacky for someone because it's expected" commercialism to deal with. I mean, that's what Christmas is for. Instead, I propose using this holiday as an opportunity to show love to those (both animate and in-) who are truly deserving of affection.

For example:

Your dog. Your dog loves you. Buy him a treat. Or better yet, scoop up some of that roadkill and let him roll around in it. Come on. You would if you really loved him.

Your laptop. All those hours of entertainment and/or wasted time. About time you got out that can of air and actually used it, right?

Your TV. Ditto.

Your refrigerator. It's the coolest appliance you have and you know it. It holds yummy stuff and serves as an impromptu art gallery. I suggest you show your appreciation with awesome magnets. Or just, you know, a hug.

Your mom. Okay, so she either criticizes you for being single, or criticizes you for dating the wrong kinds of men. But she is your mom. She deserves something. Buy her the cheap chocolate.

A Few Tips for the Menz

A guy I work with asked me out on a date last week. He's been working up to it for a couple weeks. You know how it is...the faltering attempts to hint around, to test the waters, to stir up any kind of encouragement. The thing is, they're never so subtle as they think, those guys. And, unfortunately, complete lack of encouragement doesn't faze them, anyway. He still asked.

I don't want you to think I didn't let him down gently. Of course I told him that I don't date people I work with. This is not a lie. So far I've avoided that mistake, and I don't plan to start making stupid mistakes until I reach the point of dating desperation.

The obvious problem is that, no matter how true an excuse it is, everyone knows that, the "no dating people at work rule" only applies to unattractive people. If you like-like someone enough, you'll bend the rule in a heartbeat. Happens every time. So saying "I don't date people at work" is, in essence, equal to "I find you so repellant it overcomes my basic laziness in regards to hook-ups. I'd rather endure awkward conversations with near strangers, despite the high chance of them having weird proclivites."

Inspired by the awkwardness of this event, and a few other recent ones, I thought I'd make a quick list for any straight guys who might happen across my blog. Or you know what? Don't wait. If you know any straight guys, maybe you should print this list out and give it to them. It wouldn't hurt to distribute it widely. Consider this my humanitarian gesture for the week.

Pre-Dating Tips for Menz

1. Just go ahead and ask. Your hints aren't subtle. So stop it. And saying "You'd never go out with me" is a real turn-off, and likely to be true.

2. "I'm always looking for a beautiful woman to take out to dinner" is not cool. You don't sound like a player; you sound insecure. Because you are.

3. If you run into a cute girl at Driver Control and want to ask her out, it's probably best not to tell her you were arrested for DWI. Mentioning that you're in grad school will probably not change her opinion that you're an idiot, either.

4. If you believe "My psychiatrist thinks I'm ready to start dating again" is an acceptable opening line, your psychiatrist is wrong. Learn a few basic social skills first.

5. Horny old men: You are not funny or even remotely appealing. You're creepy. And keep your hands to yourself.

6. Button your shirt. Like, above the navel. Preferably higher. Like, over your face.

7. Tight jeans: not appealing. Especially when they make you walk funny.

8. Two words: Breath mints. Seriously. They're cheap. Go buy some.

9. Don't get yout ex-wife to ask a woman out on your behalf. That's wrong on so many levels. Really, if you need this tip, you should just give up dating entirely. Forever. In fact, you might need to just lock yourself in your house and confine your social interaction to the internet. Practice typing "The movie is far inferior to teh comic!!!" And don't forget the emoticons.

I was going to post ten tips, but you know what? Those nine should be enough for now.