Mid-life dating is complicated enough without my friends and family throwing in their ten cents' worth. I thought I'd at least wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers before throwing myself into the fray, but apparently my (potential) love life is the topic of interest in my social circle. I hadn't given much thought to dating until it was brought up multiple times a day.
The advice seems to be loosely divided into two main categories: Those who want me to "get back out there" and those who want me to hide myself in my bedroom for a couple years, and then emerge, like a butterfly from a chrysalis, with a ready-formed plan of attack for snagging "Mister Right."
They're all well-meaning, of course. And they deliver their advice with the intensity of religious conviction. Which is what makes it all the more hilarious when I consider how much they contradict one another. So far, I've been told:
1. Wait at least a year or two...work on yourself...spend some quality "me time."
2. Remember, honey, you aren't getting any younger. Now is the time to do things that you'll regret in your old age.
3. You're young...You have plenty of time...You'll find someone else.
4. Make sure you totally allow yourself a "slutty phase."
5. Now, don't make any rash decisions.
6. Don't meet men in bars.
7. Go out to bars and meet people!
8. Focus on your career. Forget about dating. Buy a house and get settled in for the long haul.
9. Don't get too focused on your career...You know how that turns men off. Oh, and make sure you don't buy a house yet.
10. Date younger men!
Now, the truth is, the "wait and give yourself some time" people really do make sense. I spent thirteen years married to one man, taking care of his needs and dealing with his proclivities. I have far more "Mom time" than "me time." And I certainly know the perils of jumping from one relationship into another one so quickly. But no dating? Seriously? I mean, at all?
My friend Liza speaks from experience when she warns me to take it slow. Of course, she didn't listen when I gave her the same advice fifteen years ago! She chased after men, the hypocrite. And now it's easy for her to say, "Take it slow," now that she has found her Mister Right and settled down in her little house. Liza is wise. She's lived through that whole thing and her advice is sound. The only problem is that she forgets I'm not really like her. I'm flirtatious, certainly, but I'm not the man-chasing type.
On the other hand, the "slutty phase" people really get on my nerves. Their inherent belief that casual dating must equal casual sex or that--heaven forbid!--I must be "too picky" really irks me. Dating just for the sake of dating is tedious. If I have the choice of spending the evening with someone I don't particularly like versus spending it alone, I'd rather not wash my hair. Seriously, do these people assume I hate my own company so much that I have to go force it on other losers? In public?
Don't even ask me about the house people. I have no idea why "buying a house" crops up in these dating conversations so often.
And then there's my mom. My mom, in general, falls into the "wait and give yourself some time" category. She manages, however, to add that little twist of guilt to every comment. Some Momisms:
1. The most important thing right now is being a mom. You really need to focus on that.
2. I'm so glad I didn't remarry when your sister was young. Stepparents can be so horrible to kids.
3. He's a Presbyterian? Boy, when you left the Baptist church, you really left it all the way, didn't you?
4. The problem with so many women is that they think they have to have a man in their life. I know you're not like that, of course.
And it's the "of course" that irritates me. Basically, I agree with her. Clingy, desperate women who talk bitterly of their single status need to get a grip. Certainly I don't have to have a romantic relationship to be happy. I was married for thirteen years. I'm accustomed to having no romance in my life. But the implication that I would automatically be immune to "the lure of men" offends me somehow.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. My mother, whose social circle consists mainly of family and women in their 50s and 60s, thinks of dating as husband auditions. Why date someone I'm not intending to marry? And if I'm not ready to remarry, why date at all? This attitude is all too prevalent among women I know, unfortunately.
But here's the thing: I like men. I like flirting, holding hands, and kissing. I like how transparently they try to hide their bewilderment under a facade of coolness. And I like those moments when they drop the macho act and show their tenderness underneath.
At the very least, men offer a different perspective, a different flavor of experience. And while I may never embrace my inner slut, I'm not ready to shun dating, either.
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